The Light in Me

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

— Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

 

We are yogis on the mat…

And we are yogis off of it too.

Yoga is not just about the Asanas. It’s meant to be experienced as a way of life and it offers us the chance to look at life in a completely different way.

Shifting our perspective and softening our gaze allows us to see more than we ever thought was possible.  

I’ve transformed emotionally because of my practice, and my decision to deepen it. There are many layers to who I am, how I move, and how I teach. Yoga allows me to examine parts and pieces of my past, to live in the present moment, and to remain always hopeful – without expectation – for the future.

This is one of the hardest pieces I have ever had to write. Only a close few to me know how I grew up. It would surprise most people, since I am such a ridiculously happy person.

I grew up in a household of domestic violence.

It was a living NIGHTMARE.

Eventually, the physical abuse stopped, but the emotional abuse continued well into my adulthood. A child should always feel safe and loved in their environment. No child should ever know what is it like to grow up with that type of fear. It’s sickening. Even just the memory, makes me physically ill at this moment.

I made the conscious decision NOT to live my life and raise my children in the manner of which I had to grow up.

I do not wish to shelter my kids, but they should grow up in their “Happy Little Bubble of Love.” They should know the comfort of a happy home, lots of love, a gentle caress of their feet, the warm squeeze of a hug, understanding, empathy, and kindness. They should never know the horrors of the burn of a belt, the back of a belt buckle, the sting of a wooden ruler (with the metal edge), a coat hanger, a branch pulled from a tree, a shoe, a large cooking spoon, the electrical cord of a hot iron, the threat of a knife, and the cold hard slap of your parents hand across your face.

That last one probably inflicted the most trauma. I was depressed and insecure. Looking at me now, I would be shocked too.

As I grew up, I learned about toxic people. It is not really the person, but the relationship with you that is toxic. It is an unhealthy behavior pattern. It is like a cancer that grows on you until it fully consumes you, almost to the point of madness.  The hardest types of toxic people to remove from your life are the ones that are family. Your blood, especially the person who gave birth to you.

You cannot possibly do that, right? Or can you? Even better, should you?

The answer is – YES! YOU SHOULD! The sooner, the better.

It took me almost 40 years to find myself and realize who I am after dealing with emotional abuse. I needed to allow myself to be who I knew I always was. To be confident in myself and my abilities, love myself and my body, know that I am smart, to know that I will not let anyone tell me what I can and cannot do. Think I cannot do it? Watch me show you, I can. I needed to allow myself to lead with my heart. To take down my walls and learn to let others in, to open myself up to trusting people and creating long-lasting relationships with those people who wish to be my friends.

Your vibe attracts your tribe.

5 years ago I took my first yoga class. It was a warm flow and unlike anything I had ever experienced.

Is this what yoga is all about? This is one of the best things I have ever done in my life!

Holy yoga, I was hooked. And I needed my weekly fix. My family would say to me,  “Go to your yoga class and come back home happy and less snappy.” I did that for almost 3 years, watching my slow progress, as I was able to gain flexibility I never had before. I was feeling better about my body. Beginning to trust it could handle more. Learning how to care for the body more naturally. Removing all the impurities built up, which constantly made me sick.

I had seen the yoga teacher trainings posted at my yoga studio. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher and help people, but I never knew how to do that. I thought, “This is my calling.” I can do this. I just recently lost a significant amount of weight and started to go to more yoga classes.  I signed up for training on the 3 year anniversary of my first class. It all went UPHILL from there. I learned to let go of toxic people in my life. Letting go of anything negative which no longer serves me.

I wanted to only focus on the positive things in my life. My health, my kids = my world, my hubby = my rock, a few close family and friends = my sanity. For once in my life, focus on ME. What did I want? What did I need? Always giving of myself, feeling constantly depleted. How was I re-filling my cup? You cannot give from an empty cup.

I found the light in me and learned how to use it.

I learned all this and so much more from my journey to become a yogini. I was able to gain insight on the hard lessons of letting go, having those uncomfortable deeply honest conversations while getting out of my comfort zone and re-opening my heart to love and kindness. Practicing ahimsa (non-violence), self-love, self-study, peace, forgiveness, karma, and trusting in the Universe. I learned to be grateful.

It reminded me of playing “The Glad Game”, written in the Pollyanna book I used to enjoy reading as a child. Most days, I write a few simple lines in my gratitude journal. Each time I did this, I would find more things to be grateful about. I felt my heart open a little bit more. In my existing relationships, I felt a deeper sense of closeness. It was a new layer of discovery and I was connecting wholeheartedly with others. I felt revitalized. I feel bliss.

To all of you amazing souls, I wish you love, light, happiness and peace.

May you take heart in your own journey and find your serenity.

The light in me, deeply honors the light in you.

Namaste.

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Shellini “Shelli” Spencer (RYT 200) After leaving the corporate IT world, she became a wife and mother. She spent 6 years volunteering in the Matawan / Aberdeen School District, before becoming a homeschooling mother of 2 awesome children. Her first experience with yoga was in the late summer of 2013 at Tula Yoga and she was hooked. Interested in teacher training, she wanted to offer family yoga classes to promote holistic health, wellness, and family bonding to the local community. Shelli received her 200 YTT at Tula Yoga in Jan 2017 and is registered with the Yoga Alliance. While in training, she enjoyed all types of yoga and quickly discovered her passion for Restorative, Yin Yoga, Hatha, Meditation, and Reiki. She is grateful to have learned from some of the most amazing teachers while having the utmost support and enthusiasm from her family and friends. She is a Reiki Master Teacher and loves to incorporate the use of essential oils, temple massages, Reiki and even a little Native American Flute and Steel Tongue Drum playing into her classes. She firmly believes it’s ok to laugh and have fun while doing Yoga. She believes in the healing abilities Yoga has to offer the mind, body, and soul. She wishes to pass along that sense of calmness and mindfulness to her students when they leave her class, so they may take that feeling with them for the rest of the day and into their lives. Her style of teaching comes from the heart and a place of happiness and deep relaxation. Additional Scheduled and Completed Yoga Trainings / Certifications for 2017-2018 Barre Teacher Certified – September 2017 FPY SUP Fitness / Yoga Certified – Aug 25-27 – Completed Restorative Teacher Training @ Kripalu w/ Judith Lasater – Nov 3-10 – Completed Advanced Yoga Teacher Training (300 hour) – Oct 13 thru June 9 – Scheduled